When I decided recently to use prayer to help bandage and heal my heart I began to write them down. I do not have long, cathartic talks with God, but I would say what was heavy in my heart in that moment. Usually in the form of a list, what I would like to see better or receive extra blessings.
Down the road aways from that way of thinking I came across the above meme. I laughed, other friends laughed, other FEMALE friends laughed. There are so many people who we come across in life and they need touch, they need love and compassion. As a person who is highly sensitive to others emotions, I give them what they need with all the ability I have to do so. Every woman in my life, every single one, is the same way. It's like it's in our DNA. I see someone who needs something, I try to give it to them. At the detriment to me. Here's the thing, the part that women like my friends and I need to get, we don't realize it's to our detriment. We keep going and going and at the end of the day, we've given all of ourselves away. To strangers, to coworkers, to neighbors, friends, lovers, children, husbands, family.... it's all gone. We are used up. On that list, the list above, we come in dead last.
So in while talking, again, with my friend Angel about prayer and God and healing, she mentions something a mentor said to her in passing about praying for oneself. It sort of scorched me. I've never done that. I pray for my son. I pray for my sister and dad and extended family, for their health and happiness. I pray for friends struggling with pain, be it physical, emotional, or mental. I pray that the person holding the sign saying he's out of work gets enough money to feed himself, even if he does only buy booze with it. But not once did I ask for help myself.
The things that hurt my heart and weigh me down are the people I love that struggle. I like to use the term "mom guilt" a lot. I use it sort of tongue-in-cheek, because I laugh when I say it, but it's so very real.
(Side note: as of this writing, my son's father and I have excellent communication and are attempting to maintain the friendship that we have cultivated through the decade we have known each other. Even through the probable ending of our marriage I will maintain that he is a good man. He is a great dad. I am lucky to know him. I will never put him down intentionally either in these writings or verbally.)
This morning before I went to work I went to see my son and, truthfully I was almost as happy to see the dog and cat too, at his dad's house. We all chatted and my son showed off and the dog showed off, even the dad showed off. I watched because, I'm the mom that's what mom's do. We watch, approve, and appreciate the people around us. After the visit was over and it was time to go to work, in procession, I hugged the dog, I hugged the cat, I super hugged the boy, and yes, I hugged the dad. My son feels very proprietary towards me and I guess I hugged the dad a tad bit longer than I hugged my boy. My boy says, "Mama loves daddy more than me." And ran off. **crickets**
What do you say to that? This is the very definition of mom guilt. Not only does my son think I love his dad, that I am separated from, more than I love him. But he still says stuff like "Mama loves daddy." Earlier in the visit he said I was the princess and daddy was the prince.
So you people that wonder why I cry all the damn time, this is it. This is the hardest part of my life. Subsequently, I pray for my son to have patience and understanding and to mature just a little so this will be easier on him. I pray that the boy's innocent words don't hurt his dad and that his dad will have patience when our son is challenging (he's always challenging.) I pray for his teachers that they realize he is just acting out because he doesn't understand.
What I don't pray for? What I have never prayed for? Me. The strength I need to be there for them, hell to be there for myself. For healing in my heart when my boy says those innocent words that cut like a knife. If I can't be healthy emotionally, mentally, physically, how can I nurture and help them to do the same? I need strength. I need nurturing too. Who is there to help me with those things? No person is. They can't be they're already split so far apart themselves that they disappear by the end of the day. So, I'm told God is there. I keep wondering when my prayers are going to kick in. When will I see the healing for my son and family that I beg for? I won't. I'm not there to see it. I'm so busy taking care of everything and everyone that I can't see the forest for the trees. So here is the hypothesis.... Ready? If I stop and breathe and pray for the healing inside me to happen first, if I let God in and give him the control that I cling to with my every fiber... won't that take away some of the heavy load and let me see the forest of my life?
I don't typically, here or in real life, get so philosophical about religion. But I want things better. I need things better. In a lot of ways they are. I have significantly more control on my reactions and emotions. I am not so lonely being alone. I am easily able to stand up for myself and say no, this is not right. 6 months, 9 months, a year ago? This would have been an impossible task. Now it's right as it should be. And it's easy.
I remember a time, a time when I really liked myself. I have a good sense of humor, I have normally, in life, been easy going and fun to be around... and that girl has been lost. But guess what, friends, I'm putting her back together again. And, honestly, it's going to be great!
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