Have you ever had a moment, just a flash maybe, in your life in which you knew, I mean knew without doubt or fear, that everything was going to be alright? Better than alright, Good, Great, and Fantastic. It's important for me to clarify that I don't think this was a message or a sign or premonition. It just clicked and I knew it was truth. I've had a few of these moments in my life, not all of them were positive as the example above. It's when I'm wrestling with a decision or a conflict or feeling uncertain of myself. Honestly, I wish I had more of these cause that last one is a pain in the ass to deal with.
A recent one (last spring) that was not fun or happy was the decision to leave my husband. You must understand, I love him. Odds are good that I'll never love another man with the depth and strength that I love him. But things were too hard and I was drowning, they (he and our son) kept tossing me life rafts, but I was just pulling them overboard and dragging them down to the bottom. I was angry too. Resentful, frustrated, feeling unappreciated... but all those things? They're easily talked through. The drowning? I couldn't take the two people I love more than anything in this word and pull them down with me. I just couldn't. So I left. I knew it was the right decision. But also the very most difficult thing I have ever had to do.
Over the last six months I have worked diligently on my mental health. Not just dealing with the bipolar and setting the medicines straight, but my over all physical health, my self-esteem, confidence levels, self-trust, trust in others... there's a laundry list of the things I have attempted to handle effectively. Some of them worked out very well, the medicines are good, I've become healthier physically, these two are the ones that I need to maintain and stay aware of. The others, well, they're a bit harder to work out. Feelings of guilt over leaving, my son going through some serious acting out because of my leaving, not having enough money to support myself and help them stay in their house. (No crap about that last one- that was my decision.)
I'm working my way through these... things, that make life harder than necessary. I spam my Facebook with memes. I keep all the little inspirational tags from the Yogi tea. I write down prayers and helpful hints to help raise my spirits and create more of the "self-esteem, confidence levels, self-trust, trust in others..." that I am lacking. Honestly? They help. I won't lie. I read them and feel better, but it was fleeting- hence the spamming of my FB, more memes more fleeting moments of clarity. I probably lost some friends with all that. But good people reached out and helped, you know the ones that have so much compassion that they see random memes all of the same idea and realize someone is in trouble and offer a shoulder or an ear? Those people and they created more fleeting moments, moments that lasted longer and longer. God Bless Them. For me though, I knew the real deal was time and self-trust. The rest would follow. And they have.
So back to those flashing moments of truths.
A few days back I went with friends to a karaoke bar. I had a really, really good time. A better time than I have had out in a very long time. I felt like smart, I felt pretty (oh-so-pretty...), and, what? yes, confident. I trusted myself to make good decisions. And the puzzle pieces all fell into place in a moments time. I knew beyond a shadow of doubt, I am Ok. There is nothing wrong with me. Not my appearance, not my bipolar, not my self-esteem. It's all good. That doesn't mean I will never have a difficult day, emotional or sad. It doesn't mean I will never ever be unsure of a situation or not confident that I can handle it. It means I have the knowledge that at some point the difficulty will be dealt with and I will work through it piece by piece and make it my bitch. I can and I will and no one can change how I feel about myself.
Fast forward to yesterday. We all met at my dad's house- my ex, our son, and the family that lives there. We had a good dinner and good conversation. And I played on the floor with my boy. Oh how we played. He laughed so hard and we had so much fun, it was just awesome. And on the way home alone, that moment hit. I'm a good mom. No, I'm a great mom. If only because I love my son with my whole soul, I am a good mom. He loves me. I mean he really really loves me. It's awe inspiring, this capacity for love that my boy has. More than me, more than his father, more than anyone I have ever known. And he's mine. And I'm his mom. I'm his really really great mom. So I decided to tell the mom guilt to take a long walk off a short bridge and just let myself be a great mom. I've worried more about how I left and how it affected him than I have anything else. And, just, ya know, enough. It had to be done. And we are healing. And he loves me still. Again, that doesn't mean I won't make mistakes and I won't have doubts... just the opposite, it's ok if I make mistakes and have doubt. I love him. He loves me. We can move mountains with just that.
So, long story short; I'm great. My boy is great. We are great apart, we are great together. And nothing in the 'verse can stop us now.
No comments:
Post a Comment